Personal Reflection: Lancaster, D. (2022). The Bridge: A Nine‑Step Crossing into Authentic and Wholehearted Living. Penguin Life.

Dear Human,

    19th of May 2025 was when I found this treasure, a book that, I think, has helped me in many ways. Growing up in an extreme poverty surrounded by insecurity – I wish I had the same resources as other students from the cities; I wish we had the money to pay the fee to join the mathematics camp when I was a kid; I wish I had my mom with me growing up and didn’t need to work overseas in Middle East as a domestic helper and ending up abused; and many more injustices in education and society for our young kids – I have always carried with me these stories from childhood to my first job being a civil engineer, and to my overseas graduate studies being a first-gen low-income PhD aspirant. I think this may also be the case for many marginalized and neglected communities in the world.

    From being someone who simply loves learning (because it’s inadequate to access education in the rural provinces) to being someone who has been smart-shamed and excluded for being too intelligent when I first step in many wealthier and materialistic environments, it has been very hard to feel the need to exist. Should I abandon the young wounded version of myself who just wished to have education and avoid the risk of smart-shaming? For the past years, it’s hard to find other people who may have authentically experienced the same (as we know that opportunities are sometimes designed already for privileged ones). Since then, I’ve been learning my own self-help techniques to overcome this. This book has tremendously helped me validate some of the ways that enabled me to heal.

    If you are also a kid from a remote, rural, and/or marginalized community who is also wishing to reach the stars (e.g., becoming a scientist), I would highly recommend this book. Remember, you are worthy! If you are an institution who wants to genuinely care for your community members who have experienced societal injustice in their career and faces difficult conversations in dealing with our global crises, this is a great leadership book to welcome and authentically empower them.

Take care and very happy now returning this book to Cambridge Central Library on 23rd of June 2025,
Joshua

Favorite Words

These are two short phrases I personally like from the book:

• Here and now: brings our awareness to the present moment and feel the grace and texture of our surroundings.
• Notice and breath: reminds us to allow the process to take time and feel it fully.

Step 1: Heartbreaks and Tears - how and why we get hurt

Page 33
    Sometimes we are surprised to feel devastated by something that previously wouldn’t have troubled us that much. It’s never a simple matter of cause and effect. Loss and heartbreak are too personal to fit nearly into boxes. They are also cumulative, which is an important idea that we’ll be returning to shortly. For now, suffice to say that we all have a unique breaking point. If we never do our work to heal from our heartbreaks then – one day – a tiny thing might be too much to bear.

Page 45
    Some of us have fallen for the suggestion that we can analyse our way out of the depths by understanding the past intellectually, without actually having to do the messy work of expressing the painful connected emotions that lurk within.
    This is what I call the ‘neck-up approach’ to healing, based on an intellectual understanding of the cause and effect of pain and heartbreak in your life. It doesn’t drop from your brain below the neck into your body – most crucially, it doesn’t reach your heart.

Step 2: Masks and Roles - the birth of false self

Page 64
    As [Brene Brown] says, ‘Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.’

Step 3: The Grief and Loss - essential parts of the human condition

Page 93
    [Overwhelming sadness] is certainly an important element, but there are typically many other emotions at play when we’re grieving. We we lose (or are hurt by) something or somebody important to us, we might feel sad, abandoned, angry, confused, rejected, fearful, hopeless, guilty or ashamed. (And many other feelings besides. This is not a complete list!)

Page 104
    Focused exercise – walking, swimming, running and boxing are all great way to access and release your grief but it’s important to exercise with mindful intention. Using physical activity to numb or distract has a place in grief but that’s a different thing. For grief release, take your grief with you as you walk or run or swim. Every step you take or stroke you make, you are consciouly focusing on your emotional distress, visualizing it flowing through you.

Page 110
    Writing a letter of emotional completion (based on the Grief Recovery Method by the Grief Recovery Institute in The Grief Recovery Handbook): 1. My experience of you/us/the situation was … 2. What I needed from you and didn’t get was … 3. And how I felt / still feel … 4. What I need you to know is … 5. What I wish I could have said or done is … 6. What I need to, or can, or can’t forgive you for is … 7. What I need to apologize for is … 8. And one more thing … 9. Goodbye …

Step 4: Forgiveness and Compassion - the healing power of an apology

Page 140
    Yes, forgiveness challenges us, but ultimately it is for our own benefit – nobody else’s. The point of your work on apologies and forgiveness is to heal yourself. Working towards forgiving those who have wronged you is not about htem and what they deserve. It’s about you, and what you deserve.
    Secondly, forgiving is not the same as forgetting. To forgive is not to absolve somebody of blame or to say that what happened was not a big deal. It does not mean that you are changing your story about the impact of an action. It doesn’t change the reality of what happened, or your pain. It certainly does not condone the injury you sufferred. It’s not about letting someone ‘get away with it’ or failing to hold them accountable. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will be reconciled with the person either (although sometimes this might still be possible). You can forgive them without any need to see them or re-establish a relationship.
    What true, heartfelt forgiveness can offer you is the gift of finally achieving peace of mind after all the toxic rumination, blame and hatred that you might have been carrying for years or even decades. By releasing the negative feelings and judgements you have been holding towards this person, forgiveness empowers you to validate the pain and hurt you have suffered, without allowing it to define or control your life for a moment longer.

Page 142-143
    Writing the letter of apology that you need to receive. A letter to yourself in the voice of the person who hurt you, which acknowledges, explains and apologizes for the events that broke your heart. 1. Context (not excuses, but an explanation) 2. Acknowledgment (a description of what they did) 3. Empathy (they take a walk in your shoes) 4. Wishes (they offer the words you need to hear) 5. The apology (they apologize to your wounded child) 5. Freedom (they consciously and deliberately set you free by btaking all the responsibility; e.g., ‘I take back any feelings of worthlessness and shame that I forced you to bear. They were never yours to carry. My wish is that you will realize that none of it was your fault, you were just a child, and that you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging. With these words I release you from the past. In love and with deep humility and respect, I set you fee.’)

Step 5: True Self-love - becoming your own best friend

Page 183-184
The way the other people treat you and speak about you is information, not truth.

• I’m learning to love that about myself.
• Sometimes I make mistakes and I’m OK with that.
• I am so grateful for my body and health.
• I’m really good at that.
• I’m feeling emotionally wobbly today.
• I have compassion for my younger self and choices I made back then.
• I’m wounded (not broken) and healing takes time.
• I’m learning to be patient with myself.
• Oops I did it again! Hey ho, I’m only human.
• I don’t know the answer to that.
• I’m feeling xx right now and that’s OK.
• I don’t need your validation.
• This is my boundary, don’t cross it.
• I’m OK if you don’t like me.
• One of my strength is …
• I love myself and you can judge that all you life if you want to.
• I’m learning all the time.

Step 6: Stronger Still - developing your power and resilience

Page 191
    Our culture tends to see the powerful as those rich old white guys who run big companies or hold positions in government. That kind of high status is not what we’re talking about here.
    True personal power is built on knowing that you’re perfect, just as you are. Perfectly imperfect. It’s about knowing how to be protective of yourself and your boundaries without getting defensive. How to keep working for what’s important to you. How to forgive yoursellf for slip-ups and keeping looking after yourself. How to keep on keeping on in a way that admits reality can be painful, but resists turning it into a catastrophe.

Page 199
    Barriers are a defence that can keep people away and prevent love from entering or leaving. Boundaries (or batteries) are a form of protection, connection and clarity. They take courage to hold firm. They allow love to flow in and out, but not at any price.

• Intellectual
• Emotional
• Physical
• Social
• Spiritual

Page 215
    ‘No’ is not just a word, it is a political statement. It says, ‘I have power and choice, I am here and you will see me and hear me. I can choose, and my choice right now is NO!’

Page 216
    … starting small with perhaps a ‘No, I don’t take sugar in my tea, thanks’ before moving on to the bigger Nos, such as, ‘No, I will not tolerate that’ - you will find a liberation that your ancestors could only dream of.

Page 224
    PEP for Past, Ego, and Projections - a three step checklist I can go through when I get triggered back into reacting from the younger, wounded parts of myself.

Step 7: Coming Home - a return to innocence, joy and wonder

Page 248
It’s worth listing three more thieves of joy, as I call them.

• Comparisons - ‘I’m not as good as so and so … ‘ ‘If only I could be like X, they get it and I don’t.’
• Expectations - ‘I should have …’ ‘They should have …’ ‘Life should be …’
• Judgements - ‘Who do they think they are?’ ‘I’m not good enough … and neither are you!’

Step 8: Wholehearted Living - the rebirth of your true self

Page 254
    Authenticity happens when we are brave enough to be vulnerable, humble, open-hearted and honest.
    Integration is a deepening of the process of consciously embracing, accepting and (eventually) learning to love all parts of yourself. It involves returning for those aspects from which you have become disconnected, or those you’ve actively disowned. All those elements that have been judged, either by you or by others, as in some way ‘faulty’ or ‘unacceptable’. So that part of you that felt never good enough? You go back for him/her. Remember that part that felt ugly and stupid? You go back for him/her. And the unlovable one? Yes, him/her too. It’s like you scoop them all up under your arms and carry them hom in a loving, messy bundle.

Page 255
    One we have grieved our part and dismantled the inauthentic aspects of the false self, we are free to reclaim those aspects that were wounded, rejected or hidden away as the missing pieces to our own puzzle.

Page 259
    Do not expect that your inner [wounded child] will never show up again, even with months and perhaps of compassionate care. Say to yourself as and when you need, ‘Sometimes there is a part of me that feels not good eniugh and that’s OK. I am learning to love and accept that part of me. She’s welcome here.’ This is how you continue to grow into wholehearted living: word by word, choice by choice, moment by moment and day by day. If you follow this process consistently enough. one day you will wake up and realize that your heart no longer feels broken. You will feel its wholeness (scars and all), recognizing that all parts of you are finally home and that home is your own sense of belonging inside of yourself.

Page 261-262
    Shadow is not all ‘bad’ either.
    emember, our shadow contains all the aspects of ourselves that we dare not to allow to be seen in case they trigger rejecton by our family, community or society. So your positive shadow can include your greatness, your confidence, self-worth, sexuality, creativity, intelligence – any part of yourself that you have been told or shown that you are forbidden to allow to shine.

Page 265
    By speaking our truth we can at least know that we no longer have to carry a lie, and the living out of truth will show us things we might never have imagined. Truth is like that. Transformative – in unpredictable ways. This can be both scary and exciting. It shows us that change, even painful change, can lead to growth if we are prepared to stay humble, brave, honest and curious about where we’re going.

Step 9: The Spiritual Dimension - deepening into life

Page 287
    We become acutely aware of the wounded child to every adult we meet. Our sense of compassion and our awareness of the interconnectedness of all beings grows beyond measure. We know that when we look closely, we are more alike than not.

The Welcome; A closing prayer for the Worthy

I welcome each and every part of myself.
The part of me that feels anxious and afraid.
the part of me that still carries some rage.
the part that feels excited and curious
the part of me feeling shutdown and disconnected.
You are all welcome here.

I welcome the part of me that feels heartbroken and overwhelmed
the part of me that feels too broken to ever heal
the parts of me that feel fake, and those that I know are real.
You are all welcome.

The parts carrying my trauma; the body carrying my soul.
The abused and violated parts too
the addicted me and my shadowy layers
the secret-carrying, guilt-filled shameful parts.
Guess what? Welcome!

The part of me that has been hurt and that has hurt others
made mistakes, screwed up BIG time.
And the resulting self-loathing and low self-worth. Oh, you are all so welcome here.

For the part of me that are confused and lonely
the ones that feel they can’t go on another day … yet they do.
And for the courageous me that gets back up again and again.
And those parts of me that yearn to live in love and truth.
The parts that remembers everything. Welcome.

And welcome to the King in me, as he/she remembers to collect his crown.
Welcome to the innocence of me and the joyful part, too.
You are all so beyond welcome. Yes! All parts of myself are welcome.
I Belong. I Matter.
I am Worthy. I am Loved.
And I’m so very glad that I came.